That Damn Heart On My Sleeve

Heart on Sleeve!

Heart on Sleeve! (Photo credit: Caro’s Lines)

It’s true.  I am an emotional, loving, caring, forgiving human being who seems to never remember that it is NOT all about me and I should NOT take everything to the life-giving, all loving heart that is in my chest and on my sleeve.

I have a hard time handling any kind of rejection.

You wanna hurt me?  Ignore me.  Pretend I do not matter.  Treat me like one of the rest.  That shit hurts.  It hurts deep.

Maybe I am the “sensitive artist type” or I am just sensitive period.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I love with all my heart and I just reveal myself (the real me) time and again and I get shit on and it hurts.

How do I be someone else?  How do I turn into this magical, mythical creature that never gets angry, hurt, upset, jealous, resentful or bruised?

This is the question I want answered.

Why do I do this?  Why do I pour my heart into everything?  The risk is always there and I know this.  But I give my heart anyway.  Over and over and over again.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel the hurt, the pain, the agony of rejection or dejection.  But then, I remember:

It is good for me to feel these things and sort them out. Because the moment I decide I can no longer handle feeling these feelings is the scary moment I might look to pick up a drink.  After all, not being able to handle my feelings was a huge part in my alcoholism.

So…

  • I journal.
  • I go to a meeting.
  • I talk to my friend, Heather.
  • I pray.
  • I think (this is not good).

The final thing I do is give it to God.  I have so many little papers in my God Box: things I want, things that bother me, people I cannot help.  All kinds of stuff.  I put those little pieces of paper in my God Box and then forget about them.  After I say a prayer and put my written thought in the God Box, I forget about it…

For a little while…

But, me being me with this heart on my sleeve, my head starts to mess with me again.  Sometimes I think wearing my heart on my sleeve is a huge character defect.  However, a lot of people (including my former sponsor) has told me it is an admirable trait.

Hmmmm…

How are you at handling your emotions? 

Comments

  1. LOVE this! Thank you SO much for sharing this. Gives me inspiration (and helps distract me from a meltdown because of something I ‘just need to get over’).
    Again, thank you so much for sharing your life’s moments with this (perverted) random sea that is “the internet”!

  2. I assume you were speaking somewhat rhetorically when you said, “The final thing I do is give it to God.” That should be the first thing we do.

    Having spent my early adulthood as a somewhat uncaring person, I can assure you it’s far better to be hurt by the pains of others and by wrongs you see around you than to unsulate yourself from such cares.

    Hugs.

    • Hi, David. Oh, do I ever know the first thing I should do is give it to God… but me being the control-freak, addictive human I am, my old behaviors creep in and I try to fix everything myself.. Gah!!!

      Thank you so much for dropping by here.. good to see you.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] over with one of his friends. I know my face says, ‘you suck’ because, after all, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  His friend apologizes to me for keeping him away. Do I get an apology from my boyfriend? Nope.  [...]

  2. [...] terrible ordeals, dealt with awful people and situations and still, I manage to be open and wear my heart on my sleeve.  I talked about this back in February, you can check that post out at the link.  I do find my [...]

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