ROW 80 – Six Years Sober

May 26, 2006 was my first sober day. It was two days before my eldest daughter’s sixteenth birthday.  Saturday I celebrated six years! It has been a roller coaster of emotions, trials, experiences, ups, downs and all-arounds.

I can’t say it was easy all the time.  The first three months were the “pink cloud” of getting clean and sober.  It’s the cloud of high hopes we talk about in the rooms, groups and such.  We all hop on the cloud and say things like “this is so great!  I’ll never pick up again!” and we all mean it. I meant it.

I remember in one group, the counselor asked everyone “if you could have your drug/drink of choice without any consequences, would you drink/use?” A few people answered and said, “yes!” “absolutely!” “hell yeah!”

When the question came to me, I answered “no.”  The counselor said, “but you have no consequences.” I said, “that is not a hypothetical I want to talk about, because it’s bullshit.  I will always have consequences if I pick up.”

I guess I thought, if I start talking in hypothetical mumbo jumbo so early in my recovery, I won’t make it.  And I had to make it.  If I didn’t make it, I would die.

These days, my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk or high.  I have learned so much about myself I continue to be amazed of what I am capable of!  I love to push the limits as I travel my journey never knowing what the next day holds.

And I do it One Day At A Time.

My ROW80 Goals/Progress are as follows!

• continue to edit manuscript (I am making headway!)
• AA meeting Tuesday night!
• get back into Flash Fiction Friday (I just haven’t had any ideas!)
• Triberr three times a week to share posts.
• Read a book! (I have so many waiting – I haven’t decided yet)

That is my goal list for the week.  How is everyone else coming along?  Hope you are enjoying the holiday weekend!

A – Z Challenge ~ S is for Sober

image: recovery-gifts.net

Sober is a way of life for me.  I did some soul-searching (like I always do) and asked around.  Apparently I am breaking the Anonymity rule by mentioning AA on my blog.  So there will be no more of that. Apparently I read the text differently.  I can talk about “support groups” and “help” and “alcohol” and “alcoholics” but AA is a big no-no.  I certainly do not want to be “that girl.”

I will be sober six years this May.  I got to say, in the beginning, I didn’t know how I would function.  When I was out there, I hated myself and the thought of a day without drugs or alcohol was so foreign to me.

How would I deal with life?

How would I feel normal?

How would I fake the persona I came to be and make people like me all the while loathing who I really (thought I) was inside?

These were honest, legitimate questions I pondered the first three days of getting clean and sober.  Those three days were spent locked in my apartment (a room) with water, cigarettes and the Military Channel. I have yet to feel as sick as I did for those three days.

But I got through it.  I had two choices:

1) get sober.

2) die.

There is a whole slew of crap that goes along with this.  I have entertained writing a memoir. If my reaching out, writing and sharing helps one alcoholic or addict than it is all for the best.

To keep what I have, I have to give it away.

Thanks for letting me share.

Related articles

• Getting Clean and Sober (alcoholic.org)

A – Z Challenge ~ N is for Newcomer

Welcome - Keep Coming Back

Newcomer – In the Twelve Step Programs of the world it stands for that person who walks through the door of a support meeting for the first time (or in the first months of their sobriety) and really has no idea what to expect. I was a newcomer once.  We’ve all been a newcomer in one way or another in one situation or another.

The newcomer is so important.  Of course, they don’t realize this.  Their naivety and fear helps us that have been in the program a while just as much as the program will help them.

Some slogans to remember as newcomer:

• It works if you work it.
• Keep it simple.
• Keep coming back.
• One day at a time.
• Easy does it.

I will celebrate six years of sobriety on May 26th of this year.  I got to tell you… I was scared that first year.  I was scared of a sober life.  How would I have fun?  What would I drink when I went out to restaurant?

And the biggest question of all:  How would I deal with life?

Fortunately, I met good, sober people and realized (for me) that my newcomer status was a good thing and that even though I was getting help, I was helping others.

I am no longer a newcomer, but the newcomer now helps me just by letting me help them.

Question of the day: Can you recall an experience as a newcomer in any aspect of your life?  How did you react?

Related articles

• AA Step 1 (alcoholic.org)

Just For Today

Image: kickstarter.com

Just for today is an AA/NA saying, but can be used by anyone in everyday life.

Just for today I will be kind to others.

Just for today I will be kind to myself.

Just for today I will take inventory only of myself and not judge others.

Just for today I will use the tools I have been taught to live my life to the fullest without picking up.

I found a great site while searching for “just for today” information.

Just For Today Meditations

BTW – this is not my A -Z “J” post!  I posted “I” yesterday and found out I was supposed to skip Sunday. *palm to forehead*

Have a great day you shiny, happy people.  Talk About It Tuesday will resume in May.

Friday Flash Fiction – The Coffee Room

Image courtesy of electro-maniacs.net

I could smell it.  Its perverse odor invaded my nostrils as I sat on the overstuffed, taupe chair that reminded me of over-creamed coffee.

“Bastards,” I mumbled.  The fabric color on the chair was no accident.  Of this, I was sure.  I pretended to ignore the odor. My brow beaded with sweat as I ogled the gurgling contraption on the counter in the corner.  I eyeballed the powdered creamer and the foam cups.  Maybe it would not hurt if I had one cup.

“No,” I said aloud.

A woman with too much eye make-up on snapped her head up to glare at me.  “Excuse me?” she asked in an annoyed tone as she shifted in her dark brown chair.

Go to hell, bitch. And take your laughable eye shadow with you, I thought.

“Sorry, I was talking to myself,” I answered.

“Oh,” she cracked her gum.  “Why are you here?” She kept staring at me.

“Not much of a talker, huh? I get it.  I never was either, but Dr. Pantomime said I need to be more expressive,” she said and motioned to her face.

“I don’t think that’s what he meant, but okay,” I flubbed as the coffee became pungent.  Why would they put fucking coffee in here?  Did they not know why I was here? Did they not get the fucking memo?

“Excuse me, miss?” I said to the receptionist behind the desk. She looked up and slid the glass back.

“Yes?”

“Is there caffeine in that coffee?” I asked.

“I don’t know, sir.  You’ll have to figure it out for yourself.”

The powered creamer fell silently into the six-ounce abyss of coffee that swirled in the foam cup.  I had a fifty-fifty shot. If it was decaf, I was okay.  If not, the clown woman and glass woman would have a free ticket to hell.

“Ready?” I shouted.  The man who just entered the waiting room looked confused.  I chugged the coffee as it caressed my throat, burning on the way down.  My head raced.  My heart palpitated.

I smiled as the beads of sweat dripped into my eyes. “You’re all screwed.”

Caught Off Guard? Go With The Flow…

Just A Bike From The 2012 Bike Show in NY

Yeah……..my day. I won’t bore you with the boring details because they are freaking boring. I went to an AA meeting tonight… yep.  Been a while.  I get caught up in myself and think… “What. Me? AA? Phshh.. I got stuff to do!” But in reality.. I need those meetings.. So I went. God is a funny dude, let me say.  I haven’t been to an AA meeting in months.  I get there and an AA friend of mine asks me to speak. The conversation went like this:

“Hey, Dar, ain’t seen you in a while.  How ya been?”

“Hey! What’s up? Great. You?” I sip my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee hoping he doesn’t realize I didn’t say his name.

“Dar, you wanna do me a favor?”

I already know where this is going. “Depends,” I say. Another sip. What the frig is this guy’s name?

“You wanna speak?” big smile.  He has a great smile.

“No, not really,” I say and smile.

He starts his speech about how his speaker ditched him and all that jazz… I cut him off.

“I’ll do it.  I’ll speak.”

“Aww, you’re the best!”

“I know,” I kid in a serious tone and wink. I still don’t remember the poor guys name.. but I touched on my memory (and the reason for it’s lameness) when I spoke.

Speaking at AA meetings is important for the listeners at the meeting. Most of all, it is important for the speaker. When I share my story at a meeting I usually have it planned.  I have bullet points written on a piece of paper (a lot of us do this).  But I find when I get caught off guard like tonight, it helps me grow.

I am basically free writing out loud.  I am talking about painful stuff.  But I say some witty things, and laugh.  The listeners laugh. It’s all good.

Anyway.  Today was a good day.

I wrote my 750 words this morning.  Got to a meeting. Saw my sponsor. Read some blogs and commented on them.

ROW80 Goals

• read blogs/comment blogs
• continue with 750 words.com
• update blog 1-2 times a week
• continue Story#2
• Journal.

Hope everyone else is coming along nicely with their goals. Check this link out to read ROW80 blogs or post your own update!

Before You Do Anything… Answer These Five Questions

Hubba Hubba

How many of us have made a rash decision, an impulse buy or got drunk at a bar and went home with a random stranger? Oh, alright… went home with two random strangers?

The point is, there are five questions you need to ask yourself before you make a big decision or a choice that might put you in harm’s way.

1. What is the worst that could happen?

Man, if I had a dollar every time I or someone near me said this, I’d be living next door to Oprah Winfrey with a swimming pool filled with my riches.  Whatever your imagination can dream up is the worst that can happen.  Taking risks is a part of life!  Going skiing, riding a motorcycle, betting it all on black and asking for one more piece of cheesecake area risks people take often.  But the RISK/REWARD factor is a HUGE role in the FIVE QUESTIONS.

2. Will I really feel better after do this?

This question stems from decisions based on anger, hedonism and greed.  Situations that ask this question usually come with a good answer after a night of sleep or talking to a confidant.  You might want to set your boyfriend’s truck on fire after you found out he cheated on you.  Hmm… risk vs. reward: True, you might not get caught.. but there is a great chance you will.  Sleep on it and write him a nasty note the next morning.

3. How will this affect me financially?

This questions revolves around big purchases and impulse buying.  Do you really need that new television?  What about that car… is your family of five really going to fit in the 2013 Corvette?  These are serious ponderings before making the big buy.  An impulse buy of a $200 pair of boots you’ll wear once or taking your bonus check to the bar when you have a pile of bills at home: deplorable idea.  Think before you buy.

4. How great is the death risk?

One night stands, shooting heroine, driving drunk and naked roller coaster riding fall into this category.  Driving drunk while shooting heroin with a guy I picked up at the bar on my way to the Naked Roller Coaster Riding Festival is something I have never done. Yes, sad I know.  Looking back, however, I may have tacked an extra 20 – 30 years on my life.. so there is an upside.  Same goes for you.  And when I say death risk, I don’t mean going skiing or horseback riding.  I’m talking dumb, dangerous stuff.  Stuff like, speeding to work because you overslept, building a fire in your living room (sans fireplace) or getting food from the kiosk in the food court that has no one in line.

5. Am I going to regret this in one, five, ten years?

• Cutting
• Tattoos
• Piercings
• Breast implants

These are a few things I have heard people talk about regretting.  These are a few things I regret.  Except I never got a boob job, and when I see fifty year old women with jutting breasts, I am kinda happy about my decision.  I cut myself at 13 and 18 (regret).  I have five tattoos and regret all but one of them. I had piercings and (just forewarning you young lasses!) my tongue ring chipped all the enamel off of my teeth.

Just a FYI.

Have you ever done something that, looking back, you wish you hadn’t?  Were you ever in the middle of something and thought “this is a bad idea” but didn’t know how to stop? Share your thoughts..

The Gratitude List

I just read a tweet from a fellow tweeter.  I got the impression she was down in the dumps… she said she felt, “out of sorts.”  I have felt like that many times in my life (I’m sure most people have).   I replied to her tweet and told her to make a gratitude list.

Then I thought, “Darlene!  You’re a genius!  You should make one.”  So I am.  Right here, right now.

I am grateful for:

• my sobriety

• my children

• the ability to use all five of my senses

• music

• the gift of writing

• nature

• green lights

• coffee

• my cats

• my genes

• a sunny day

• a Sunday morning

• making some one smile

• a brand new notebook

• that I was born exactly when I was born

• Tyler State Park

• other people’s opinions

• tolerance….

These are just some of the things I am grateful for.  But, I want to hear from you.  What are you grateful for?  What makes you say thank you.  What helps you through your day?

ROW #80 Check-In Moving Right Along

Ya know, I sat and almost beat my head against the brick wall outside last week because I could not figure out what the hell to write about.

Then suddenly, as if the clouds parted and little word covered butterflies fell gently from the sky… I got an idea.

And now I am running with it!

I have been reading a lot more. I am reading Nikki Sixx’s “The Heroin Diaries” which is eye-opening. As an alcoholic/addict, clean and sober for 5+ years, I can relate to a lot of what he writes and can slightly identify with what I cannot relate to (does that even make sense?).

I also just purchased Stephen King’s “Under The Dome” which is awesome so far. I am only up to the groundhog part… but King is one of my influences and I can already tell it will be difficult to put this book down. Damn you Stephen King, damn you.

Goals accomplished for the week so far:
Finished outline for first part of novel
First draft of character outline
Reading books!

Goals not very accomplished:
commenting on blogs! – - I have been reading a lot of blogs, and have commented on a few. Will try to comment more.
Riding motorcycle – it has been very hot. When it hasn’t been hot, it has been raining.

Goals to strive for this week:
Research Philadelphia (yeah I grew up there, but still) particularly South Street, Olde City, Columbus Boulevard and Spring Garden Street.
People watch at the park for character trait ideas. (not like a creeper!)
Write two parts of Chapter One.
AA meeting tonight.

Ok, that’s all for now. Happy writing friends!

Twenties

When i was in my twenties, I was an idiot.  I’m not sure why some people in their twenties (like my upstairs neighbors) lose capacity for rational thinking.  It could be the surge of hormones and the raging desire to do things that, at the time, seem cool.  Things like, renting out your apartment as a party spot.  This is not only stupid, but dangerous.

Thankfully, I made it to thirty-seven.  I can now look back at the ridiculous acts I committed and stunts I pulled, and shake my head in sheer embarrassment much like anyone else after their moment of clarity.

I have a bright, beautiful, compassionate twenty year old daughter.  On the flip side, she is also lazy, spontaneous to a fault, and lacks common sense at times.  This makes her guilty of nothing a million other twenty somethings, past, present and future, are not equally guilty of.

While I’d like to paint a picture of myself as that standout, mature composed twenty something, I was much more stupid than my daughter (thankfully) and can pass on valuable information to her and anyone else that will listen.

I know we all need to go through our share of turmoil and frustration.  After all, it is not the successes we learn from, but the failures.  There is, however, a fine line between stupid, and really freaking stupid.

This brings me to my upstairs neighbors.  Who, in thirty days, will no longer be my upstairs neighbors.  This sits bitter-sweetly with me.  I wish greatly that there were no others involved in the eviction that the family upstairs received this morning.  I hope for their sake the mother/wife gets her act together.

It was Saturday night and my boyfriend was at his second job.  I had off from my second job this weekend because it was my Saturday night to have dinner with my daughter.  I got home from seeing my daughter around 7:30 to the sounds of loud music and voices.  No biggie.  It was only 7:30 pm.  I dashed out the door to meet some old friends I hadn’t seen in years. We ate, laughed and parted ways about 9:30.  I came back home to louder music and banging.  It was getting late, and I was slightly annoyed.  But it was before 10 pm.

My boyfriend came through the door at 10:15 pm.  The noise was still unbearable and we just gave each other a “this is ridiculous” look and discussed who would go up and knock to tell them to please keep it down if it continued.  We even dug out the copy of the lease to make sure we were not overreacting.  Right there in the lease it stated: “No loud music, noise or banging that infringes on the comfort of neighboring tenants”.

I was elected.  My boyfriend said it’d be good for me since I am terrible at confrontation. After rolling my eyes along with various reasons why I disagreed, I went to go chat with the upstairs neighbors.

As I climbed the steps, I could see the overhead light on in the parlor.  The blinds were cracked and hanging lopsided and there were empty beer cans on the small landing outside the door.  The music was annoyingly loud and I realized at that moment I had crossed my internal threshold of age.  When I got to the landing and was able to look in the door, I saw five people sitting in various types of chairs that I had never before seen.  I knocked on the door careful to keep my face expressionless.

The twenty something kid closest to the door answered.  I stepped into the doorway slightly, but never into the apartment.  I was able to look to the left and see two more people sitting along the wall, also on mismatched chairs.  I asked where the couple was that lived there.  The kid at the door said the girl would be back.  I then asked them if they could please keep it down.  The ceilings are paper-thin, I said.  The kid said sure, I said thank you and retreated down the steps.

As I walked down the steps, the first thing that popped in my head was, who the hell are all of those people.  I had never seem any of them at the apartment.  Secondly, where the hell was the living room furniture?  I went back into my apartment, explained what I said and what I saw to my boyfriend and contemplated calling the cops.

I did not call the cops.  I didn’t feel it was police worthy.  Calling the cops would have brought flashing red and blue lights and a bunch of drama.

At about 12:30 am, the girl came home and my boyfriend lunged off the couch.  He flung the door open and yelled something like, “Yo, can you keep it down? It’s after midnight and it’s freaking loud.”
She apologized, went up the steps and several minutes later, it was quiet.  She came stomping down the stairs a while later and my boyfriend looked out the door to see her get back in her car with an open beer can.

The noise started again, and went on until 2:30 am, intermittently.

My boyfriend and I decided that we needed to tell the landlord in the morning.  We went to the convenience store he owns, and sure enough he was standing at the end of the deli counter where he often times is every morning.  We told him everything that transpired and he said, “That’s it.  They’re getting an eviction notice.”

The boyfriend knocked on our door this morning and asked what happened.  Apparently, they were served the eviction shortly after we went to talk to the landlord.  It turns out that he and she were living together but separated.  She doesn’t work and he can’t afford to get his own place.  This explained to me why there were numerous men over the apartment at odd times and why he was never around.

My boyfriend went outside on the step to talk to the boyfriend and came back in.  I felt bad for the boyfriend and the little girl, who I found out was upstairs with the seven strangers while the girlfriend was off getting more pot and beer.  For the daughter’s sake, I hope to hell the mother gets help.

As we sat on the couch and reminisced about our twenty something years we heard the boyfriend yelling at the girlfriend about his daughter being in a house full of strangers.  Then it clicked.  Addiction makes people do stupid things.