Darkness Before the Dawn

Image: hal-pc.org

Image: hal-pc.org

There comes a point in each addict/alcoholic’s life when they feel like there is no way things could get worse.  Whether they are in deep debt, being evicted, homeless, selling sex for drugs/money… the list goes on.

The darkness swallows us, like that giant monster we swore was in our closet as small children.  Only this monster is real.  It is real and it is ugly and it devours us every day making life worse while we try to drown or numb the pain.

My darkness was in a basement in Bucks County, PA.  I had lost my children, was unemployable and was living in the same house as my enabler (my ex-boss).  He and his wife had let me stay with them after I had been evicted from a house in Philadelphia.  I was in debt, could not find work and lived there under the prerequisite that he would give me drugs and money and I would repay him accordingly.

All of my “I never’s” were coming true as I sat in that basement listening to him lumber around upstairs, praying to high heaven he wouldn’t come down those steps.

My two daughters lived there with me and slept in the room on the other side of the basement.  Their precious little faces looked so peaceful when they slept.  My God, what had I done?

No one could tell me about my darkness.  I had to figure it out by myself.  That is the sad truth about addiction and alcoholism.  We always have to find out the hard way.  All those interventions, the threats, the promises the deals… none of it works.  I mean, it may work for a short while, but we just have to feel like there is nothing left.  We have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

It is that moment in time, that darkness before the dawn, that loss of hope, that are you freaking kidding me…. that is when we look at ourselves in the mirror and beg God for help.

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Ultimate Blog Challenge!

January

January (Photo credit: Deadly Tedly)

The Introduction

Happy New Year!  Welcome to the The Daily Woman.. a blog dedicated to living sober and giving life all you got!  I signed up for the Ultimate Blog Challenge just in time for 2013… The month of January is dedicated to living life sober, getting help, working the steps and tons of other useful information and links.

My goal is to post each of the 31 days.  😀

A lot of us wrapped up in alcoholism and addiction have made resolutions (or goals) of sobriety for 2013.  Most of these will be broken if the right help is not sought.

Now, I am not a doctor and I don’t even play one on TV, but I do know what has worked for me and hope to do some sort of twelfth step work through my blog. I have reached a point in my sobriety that what keeps me sober is doing the next right thing and putting my hand out to the next still sick and suffering alcoholic/addict.

Thanks for climbing on board and Happy New Year to you all.

Just For Today

Image: kickstarter.com

Just for today is an AA/NA saying, but can be used by anyone in everyday life.

Just for today I will be kind to others.

Just for today I will be kind to myself.

Just for today I will take inventory only of myself and not judge others.

Just for today I will use the tools I have been taught to live my life to the fullest without picking up.

I found a great site while searching for “just for today” information.

Just For Today Meditations

BTW – this is not my A -Z “J” post!  I posted “I” yesterday and found out I was supposed to skip Sunday. *palm to forehead*

Have a great day you shiny, happy people.  Talk About It Tuesday will resume in May.

Caught Off Guard? Go With The Flow…

Just A Bike From The 2012 Bike Show in NY

Yeah……..my day. I won’t bore you with the boring details because they are freaking boring. I went to an AA meeting tonight… yep.  Been a while.  I get caught up in myself and think… “What. Me? AA? Phshh.. I got stuff to do!” But in reality.. I need those meetings.. So I went. God is a funny dude, let me say.  I haven’t been to an AA meeting in months.  I get there and an AA friend of mine asks me to speak. The conversation went like this:

“Hey, Dar, ain’t seen you in a while.  How ya been?”

“Hey! What’s up? Great. You?” I sip my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee hoping he doesn’t realize I didn’t say his name.

“Dar, you wanna do me a favor?”

I already know where this is going. “Depends,” I say. Another sip. What the frig is this guy’s name?

“You wanna speak?” big smile.  He has a great smile.

“No, not really,” I say and smile.

He starts his speech about how his speaker ditched him and all that jazz… I cut him off.

“I’ll do it.  I’ll speak.”

“Aww, you’re the best!”

“I know,” I kid in a serious tone and wink. I still don’t remember the poor guys name.. but I touched on my memory (and the reason for it’s lameness) when I spoke.

Speaking at AA meetings is important for the listeners at the meeting. Most of all, it is important for the speaker. When I share my story at a meeting I usually have it planned.  I have bullet points written on a piece of paper (a lot of us do this).  But I find when I get caught off guard like tonight, it helps me grow.

I am basically free writing out loud.  I am talking about painful stuff.  But I say some witty things, and laugh.  The listeners laugh. It’s all good.

Anyway.  Today was a good day.

I wrote my 750 words this morning.  Got to a meeting. Saw my sponsor. Read some blogs and commented on them.

ROW80 Goals

  • read blogs/comment blogs
  • continue with 750 words.com
  • update blog 1-2 times a week
  • continue Story#2
  • Journal.

Hope everyone else is coming along nicely with their goals. Check this link out to read ROW80 blogs or post your own update!

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