That Damn Heart On My Sleeve

Heart on Sleeve!

Heart on Sleeve! (Photo credit: Caro’s Lines)

It’s true.  I am an emotional, loving, caring, forgiving human being who seems to never remember that it is NOT all about me and I should NOT take everything to the life-giving, all loving heart that is in my chest and on my sleeve.

I have a hard time handling any kind of rejection.

You wanna hurt me?  Ignore me.  Pretend I do not matter.  Treat me like one of the rest.  That shit hurts.  It hurts deep.

Maybe I am the “sensitive artist type” or I am just sensitive period.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I love with all my heart and I just reveal myself (the real me) time and again and I get shit on and it hurts.

How do I be someone else?  How do I turn into this magical, mythical creature that never gets angry, hurt, upset, jealous, resentful or bruised?

This is the question I want answered.

Why do I do this?  Why do I pour my heart into everything?  The risk is always there and I know this.  But I give my heart anyway.  Over and over and over again.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel the hurt, the pain, the agony of rejection or dejection.  But then, I remember:

It is good for me to feel these things and sort them out. Because the moment I decide I can no longer handle feeling these feelings is the scary moment I might look to pick up a drink.  After all, not being able to handle my feelings was a huge part in my alcoholism.

So…

  • I journal.
  • I go to a meeting.
  • I talk to my friend, Heather.
  • I pray.
  • I think (this is not good).

The final thing I do is give it to God.  I have so many little papers in my God Box: things I want, things that bother me, people I cannot help.  All kinds of stuff.  I put those little pieces of paper in my God Box and then forget about them.  After I say a prayer and put my written thought in the God Box, I forget about it…

For a little while…

But, me being me with this heart on my sleeve, my head starts to mess with me again.  Sometimes I think wearing my heart on my sleeve is a huge character defect.  However, a lot of people (including my former sponsor) has told me it is an admirable trait.

Hmmmm…

How are you at handling your emotions? 

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When Things Don’t Go … Our Way

Tattered and Torn

Tattered and Torn (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It will be a short post today.  My lovely internet is down at home.  So yeah, I am posting at the office.  This topic isn’t even in my list! But…

I had a situation happen over the weekend that had potential to turn pretty toxic.  We’ll just call it, “people who can’t let go.”  Anyway, there just comes a time when we have to say GOOD-BYE.

When we try to beat the square peg into the round hole, the square peg becomes worn… tattered… exhausted.  The round hole has moved on and so should probably the square peg.

For whatever reason, sometimes people who really want to be together just cannot be together because the relationship is toxic.  Maybe there is drugs involved, alcoholism, abuse, mistrust… the list goes on as to what could make a relationship toxic.  What makes it worse is when neither party recognizes the toxicity.

What makes it worse than that is when only one person recognizes the disaster masked with the word “love.” One person is desperately trying to hold on while the other is subtly trying to move on.

We will be touching on this topic in the coming months. Have a great week everyone!  Regularly scheduled blog posts will resume tomorrow.

Peace…

 

Out With the Old – A Time to Reflect

Reflect

Reflect (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As 2012 comes to a close… I have looked through my Penzu journal, gone through old notebooks and basically stepped back and looked at the canvas of my life.  It hasn’t exactly been a spectacular year… but then it has been a spectacular year.  I fell down a cliff on a quad, I celebrated six years of sobriety in May, I started going to Al-Anon (which changed my life!) and I ended a six year, toxic relationship never dreaming that I’d enter into a new relationship with a man who I am pretty sure was made just for me.

I read somewhere that when we order up the life we want to exact specifications, we just might get it.  Well, I seem to be on my way.

The Old:

Procrastination – Insecurity – Self-loathing – Laziness – Self-doubt – feeling unworthy in most situations.  Ahhh.. those old ugly beliefs and bad thoughts that I wish I could beat with a hammer.  However, thoughts are not tangible so I have to beat them with positive thinking!

The New:

Get it done! I am beautiful! I can and will prevail! Successful author!  I have to fake it ’til I make it – and my advice to all of you is to do the same.  Faking it ’til we make it is like a mental affirmation of determination that only we know about.  It kinda goes along with that whole “The Secret” thing.  Trust me – it freaking works.

How about you? What is your out with the old, in with the new for the coming year?

Dear Me – A Letter to My Fifteen Year Old Insecure Self

So I came upon this post courtesy of the talented Jeff Goins.  Listen to me, I “came upon.”  The truth is I follow his amazing blog and even bought his book “Wrecked.”  Check it out.  You can thank me later.

The gist is this:  Write a letter to your fifteen year old self.  Simple!  What would you say to yourself?  What would you tell you to value?  What would you tell you to not get in such a tizzy about?

After you write your letter, link back here to the Friday, September 14, 2012 post.

Annnnd, one more thing before we get started… Check out Emily Freeman’s book Graceful (for young women).  I plan on it!

Dear Me:

Hey.  I know you’re sad and you feel misunderstood and you’re lonely. I get it.  But I have to tell you that you looked for love in all the wrong places.  Turns out, you may have been an ugly duckling (all skinny and gangly) but you filled out quit nicely.  You always had a problem with anger, but it suited you well and really calmed down after 30.

Oh, and by the way, you’re an alcoholic.  Yeah, it turns out, after a serious run in the dirt, it is a blessing in disguise.

So here are my tips to you, lassy:

1. Boys are not everything.

2. Follow your dreams, no matter what your dad says!

3. Stop frowning!  Gram is right, your face really does stay that way.

4. Please stop cutting yourself. The emotional scars heal, but those scars on your wrist will be there for life.

5. You have great thoughts, don’t be afraid to voice your opinion.

6. No one is watching you.  Okay, maybe one or two people here and there.  But not everyone all the time.  Get over it and be silly!

7. I know you like to think you know everything.  You don’t.

8. You should listen to the adults in your life more.  They’ve been there and are so not blowing smoke up your arse.

9. Stop being such a people pleaser!

10.  You have an amazing smile!  Smile more. Frown less.

With much love and admiration,

The still crazy head banging chick you grew to love.

Thank You to the Things I Need to Thank

The end of the year calls for some serious reflection.  Guide to Career Education has valuable articles and forecasts for anyone wanting
to return to college to finish a degree or anyone seeking a career change in the new year. Mostly we reflect on all the things we said we’d do during the year that were swept under carpets of screaming kids, deadlines, broken alternators and cat poop (please don’t make me explain).

I follow a wonderful blog called Mary and Bob’s Journal. A while back I read a post simply called, GRATITUDE.

In that post there is gratitude for socks… socks!  I thought about it.  I love socks.  I mean, without socks, I would not get a lick of sleep.  Honest.  So I am grateful for socks as well. And coffee.

I bow to the coffee bean.

Coffee!!

Well, this is not exactly how I take my coffee.  But if not for this little brown bean, I would be a slobbering mess spouting obscenities each morning. So I am grateful for coffee.

I am grateful for music.  More importantly, I am grateful for my grandmother who always let me have music on no matter what time of day or night.  I am grateful for a mother who always had music on when she cleaned (which was a lot!).

Then we have the birds, the bees, the snakes, the flowers, the mountains, the streams.. all the worldly creations made by my Higher Power that I stand in awe of each day.  Like the red-tail hawk perched on the tree outside my apartment this morning.  I am always grateful for nature.

There are so many things to be grateful for, thankful for, appreciative for. Things like:

  • fresh notebooks and sharpened pencils
  • a pleasant teenage daughter (truly a blessing!)
  • cold water
  • an open treadmill at the gym
  • light traffic
  • a found dollar
  • finding the last sweetener packet
  • a slow day at the office so I can get caught up on blogging (writing and reading)
  • when my car runs good (please get me home my sweet automobile!)

These are just a few of the things that make me say, “Hey now.. that is super cool.”  Maybe you have some of the same things to be thankful for.. maybe you are scratching your head as you read my list and say, “uh, this chic is cookoo!”

Please.. feel free to share some of the things you might take for granted each day, but when you really think about it… you are oh so grateful to have them.

😀

I Spy With My Little Eye

My co-worker’s father died last week.  He was a total whipper snapper.  I never saw the man until I went to his service this morning.  However, I did talk on the phone with him a lot.  His features were as I had imagined.  There were lots of pictures of him and his family on boards and in frames placed on various mantles about the room at the parlor.

The funeral service was more a celebration of life.  George, his son (my co-worker) had “Harry-isms” printed on the back of his mass card.  I thought that was awesome.

Some of the quotes were:

  • Animals are people, too.
  • Ah, the hell with it.
  • Sure the coffee’s fresh, I made it yesterday.

There were a few others, but these were my favorites.  Every time he called the office he always had a joke, or would pretend he could see me through the phone.

So when I went back outside the funeral parlor, imagine my surprise when I saw this place across the street.

Not Very Spy Like

I laughed out loud!  Thankfully, none of Harry’s other family was outside when I laughed, but I did tell George and he thought it was hysterical.  I mean, I really thought only in the movies would I ever see a Spy Shop (aptly named SPY SHOP) across the street from a funeral home.  George no doubt got his sense of humor from his father.  The both of them had seen the humor and irony in almost everything.

As for the spy shop… I told my boyfriend and my daughter we are totally going there this weekend.  A real live spy shop!  I wonder what kind of spies they sell? 😉

My ROW80 this week!  I have one goal:

Write my ass off for Nano…

I am doing well so far!  Happy writing.  And try to find a spy shop near you!  Could make for an interesting story. 😀

It’s Better, It’s Worse… It’s Both

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I joined Oprah’s Lifeclass a few weeks ago and I have to say… I love it.  I am about ten classes in and am learning a lot about myself by answering thought-provoking questions that only I can see the answers to.  There is also a Daily Life Question that we have the option of answering.  It is linked to the users Twitter account.

As I read some of the answers (a lot of them anonymous) I shuddered at some of the things a lot of people have been through usually in great part by their parents.  I saw remnants of abuse, both physical and sexual, mental anguish, alcoholism, abandonment… 😦

It just got me thinking.. like.. what the hell do I have to bitch about?  Ok, yeah.. my childhood wasn’t the greatest.. I have always been socially awkward and put a lot of my worth on my physical beauty (but am too lazy to do any upkeep on it).  I tend to talk way too much when I get nervous and yes.. I am an alcoholic.

BUT – I am sober!  I AM beautiful!  I grew up poor.. but I have character.  I have small boobs.. but I have a great butt!  I can be very indecisive, but when I know what I want.. no one is stopping me.

It is so important for me (and you!) to look at the silver lining in the dark, looming clouds that hover over our heads from time to time.

We have all been through our own share of hell.  I remember years of self-pity, beating my head against the wall as I cursed and screamed “WHY ME?!”

Well, why not me?  Bad things have happened to me because I have the ability to help others.  If all I can do is take my experiences and share them with another, then whatever I have been through is not in vain.

Whatever doesn’t kill you – makes you stronger. 

What experiences have made you stronger?

The Gratitude List

I just read a tweet from a fellow tweeter.  I got the impression she was down in the dumps… she said she felt, “out of sorts.”  I have felt like that many times in my life (I’m sure most people have).   I replied to her tweet and told her to make a gratitude list.

Then I thought, “Darlene!  You’re a genius!  You should make one.”  So I am.  Right here, right now.

I am grateful for:

  • my sobriety
  • my children
  • the ability to use all five of my senses
  • music
  • the gift of writing
  • nature
  • green lights
  • coffee
  • my cats
  • my genes
  • a sunny day
  • a Sunday morning
  • making some one smile
  • a brand new notebook
  • that I was born exactly when I was born
  • Tyler State Park
  • other people’s opinions
  • tolerance….

These are just some of the things I am grateful for.  But, I want to hear from you.  What are you grateful for?  What makes you say thank you.  What helps you through your day?

Love Thyself

We love our partners, our children, certain foods and animals. But do we love ourselves? These days we are so wrapped up in taking care of everyone and everything else, we often forget that we need care, too.

Take a long bath, get a manicure or buy that book you have been itching to read. Self care is important. If we do not care for ourselves, our health suffers and then we cannot care for those we love.

If you are down on yourself a lot, sit in a quiet room (maybe even light your favorite scented candle) and think positive affirmations. Thoughts like, ‘I deserve happiness’ and ‘I am awesome’ are simple chants but they help when we need that little jolt of self-love.

Having no love for yourself makes it difficult for us to have true love for others.  There are days when I put a lot of things before me, neglecting my need for self-love, and those are the days that I do poorly on projects in work.

Going for a walk in the afternoon (or whenever you can manage it) is a way to give love to yourself.  Alone with your thoughts and ideas you can come back to whatever you were doing prior with a fresh outlook.

So today make it a point to love yourself!

Affirmation for the day: I am worthy of love and love myself completely.

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