The Stepping Stones of Life

Feb 16, 2015

“Sometimes shit is going to go wrong in your life. Sometimes, you’ll feel like everyone is stabbing in you in the back and you can’t catch a break. These are the moments to take a step back. Step back and ask yourself if you are trying to make something work that wasn’t meant to work for you… Sometimes things don’t work out because that path you’re on is just that: a path… that path is filled with ‘Stepping Stones.’ Some of those stepping stones are big, some small, some slippery, some beautiful, some painful.
Those stepping stones are part of your life journey… and when you navigate those big slippery stones that are painful… that’s the universe telling you that you’re growing and it’s time to take the next turn.”

Where Are These Going?

Feb 5, 2015

So, I decided to start my blog back up again for a few reasons.  I sent a test entry and got a lovely reply back which made me feel good.

But…. where is my blog?  I go to http://www.lifeatfullthrottle.com and it takes me to that site.  I type in http://www.thedailywoman.wordpress.com and it takes me to the life at full throttle blog.

Hmmm….

I’m sure I’ll get to the bottom of it.

Any thoughts on this readers?

Thank you.

The Dangers of Molly (MDMA)

Feb 27, 2014

I haven’t used drugs or drank alcohol in over seven years so I can’t say personally how Molly affects its users.  However, after reading the description and watching the video, it seems Molly is a version of the drug Ecstasy (E as it was commonly called).

Molly is usually ingested orally or snorted and it gets the ‘happy feeling’ going for about three hours.  And hey, don’t we all want to feel good (euphoric) for a few hours?

Here is the bad news… when it wears off, it leaves the user feeling highly depressed for hours, sometimes days. It depletes Serotonin levels which need significant amounts of time to replenish.

Watch this short video and see for yourself:

You can find help for addiction and answers to questions at: www.clarityway.com.

Body Shaming: When Will It End?

Dec 19, 2013

Body Snark Free Zone Sign (Photo credit: The Lingerie Addict)

Ok, so this isn’t a post about alcoholism or addiction in the sense of drugs and booze, but this is a post related to the addiction with body image of which most of us are probably unaware.  I watched a video of images a young girl (or any female for that matter) are subjected to in the course of a day.  The video was time warped into about a minute, but I got the idea.  Apparently, if a woman isn’t either a size zero walking on a runway or built like Marilyn Monroe from yesteryear she really isn’t a woman at all.

That’s bullshit.

The most disturbing part of all this is when I read the comments on articles or Facebook posts, it is women attacking other women! WTF Ladies! Get your heads out of your fat, skinny or otherwise perfect asses and wake the hell up!

The media is destroying us with commercials, unhealthy diets  and ridiculous clothing.  When that doesn’t work we resort to plastic surgery.  There are so many items for women to make themselves “look perfect.”

• make-up
• skin tightener
• bras that make boobs look bigger
• panties that make butts look bigger
• girdles and cinches that make waists look smaller
• high heels
• hair dye
• plastic surgery

Those are just a handful of items.

I have small boobs.  I HATE my boobs.  But the thought of actually having objects inserted into my breasts to make them appear bigger so I can feel like “I fit in” is disturbing on a myriad of levels.  I have actually entertained the thought a number of times because even watching the news in the morning can fuck up my whole day.

Then I turn the news off and drive to work.  When I get to work, I walk by the magazine rack: more images of air-brushed, photo-shopped women with heaving bosoms and blinding, perfect smiles.

Then I am at my desk.  I have to go online to do some research for my job.  Commence pop-up ads of “have a flat stomach in ten days” and “diet without exercise” and women with “curvy shapes.”

Fuck you.

And my email homepage?  Fuggedaboutit.  I was on there today and the top news articles were about actresses and other famous (or moderately famous) women ‘baring bikini bods’ or ‘rocking their curves’ or ‘so and so wows in skimpy dress.’

So this is what I, a 40 year old woman, go through on a daily basis.  I cannot fathom what young women and girls go through today; what my daughters go through today.  It’s disturbing to know that women cannot ‘just be.’  We can’t just be beautiful because we are who we are.  We (me included) point out the flaws when someone compliments us: Thanks, but…

Or we point out the flaws in other women because their beauty makes us uncomfortable and we ‘don’t measure up.’

 When did the media decide body shaming is a great idea and when did we, as the human race, buy into their crap?

I don’t know and quite frankly, I don’t think anyone knows.

What do you think?

Related articles

• Image Rant (fordgt40fencer.wordpress.com)
• Modesty. (hourglasswithclass.wordpress.com)
• Body shaming and the sexualization of the mundane (agirlwithoutborders.wordpress.com)

Musical Recovery! – An Interview With Ted Brown

Dec 4, 2013

Music guitar (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Hi Ted, thanks for agreeing to do an interview with me. First off, I want to congratulate you on your clean time. It is a rough road I know personally, but very rewarding.  It is people like you that inspire addicts and alcoholics in recovery to keep that glimmer of hope alive, no matter how dark it may get.

1. I read your press release and you said, “After I got clean, I thought ‘What am I going to
do with my life?” I can relate to trying to transition into a life without drugs and alcohol. Was
it difficult for you to find something to do immediately?

I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to be creative without drugs or alcohol and I’d almost made the
decision not to play music anymore! My thinking was that my creativity was too closely linked to my
drug use. Fortunately, the Universe had a different plan and opportunities in music presented
themselves more abundantly than they ever had before!
2. What brought you to the United States from New Zealand?

I moved to the United States when I had around 18 months clean as guitarist, co-writer and
backing vocalist with popular NZ artist Greg Johnson. I had started playing in his band and he
asked me to accompany him for some showcases for Record Companies. He ended up getting
signed, and we moved to L.A. to make an album..

3. What was your darkest moment while out there (using)? Was that enough to get you to wake
up and realize you could die?

I had a few brushes with death while I was out there. I think one of my darkest moments was getting
the news that my friend and fellow musician Matt had died from this disease. I was devastated and
although I had OD’d several times myself, it still took me over a year more to go back into detox and
try treatment again. He was so talented and it was such a waste, but I knew it could be me or any
one of those ‘smart, talented’ addicts I was using with.

4. What has been the most amazing part of your journey through sobriety so far?

There have been so many wonderful moments. I feel like all the great things that have happened in
my life have been since I got sober- getting married, traveling the world playing music, seeing all the
art I’d only ever seen in books, making albums.. Using provided me with a very limited view of the
world but recovery has expanded that view by putting me back in contact with human beings! Every
day can be an adventure if I can keep an open mind and remember to be grateful.

5. Now that you are clean and sober, do you look at people differently? Like, do you have more
tolerance?

I really had to learn how to deal with people again because I was just so used to being loaded all the
time and that had been my point of reference for so long! I think I’m more tolerant these days simply
because I feel more a ‘part of’, but it’s still a challenge (especially on the freeway!)
6. I actually love driving on little country roads, it helps me reconnect with my Higher Power and
regroup when life keeps being life. How do you relax these days?

I meditate, I read (for entertainment as well as for inspiration). I have 2 cats and a dog and I find
them to be a great source of relaxation! ( I never had pets growing up so it’s still a novelty for me). As
I said, I love art so going to museums and galleries is something I love to do.

7. Tell me about the song, “Bringing my Past Back (But Not To Haunt Me).

This is really a song about the ‘steps’ and the work that’s asked of me if I really want to get the most
that recovery has to offer. Sometimes that work is tough- messy and painful but if I’m prepared to do
it (and I never have to do it alone) I’ve discovered that the benefits are incredible. The trick is, that I
have to keep doing it if I want to experience growth..
8. Did you ever think that you’d be living the dream today? Getting to do what you love?

I don’t know what I thought when I was in active addiction! Mostly “getting, using and finding ways to
get more”. I always thought that I had the wrong life, that it, “wasn’t supposed to be like this”…my
fear was that I would die from my using. Every day surprises me!

9. Do you have any words of advice or wisdom for addicts and alcoholics still struggling with
addiction?

Anyone can get clean, lose the obsession and find a new way of life. But you need to have had
enough and of course that ‘rock bottom’ is different for everyone. One thing I know is that we can’t
do it alone, I tried many, many times. The disease of addiction is cunning, it will give you many
reasons why you’re different, why recovery won’t work for you, but it’s working for millions of people
all around the world every day! It’s important to just jump in feet first! It’s scary, but so is using..

10.I did not get to hear the song, “Looking for Home Down Hallways.” But it immediately gave
me a chill as I thought back to the days when I was so alone and just wanted to be loved.
Can you elaborate on this song?

This song is about looking for salvation. From a person, a drink, a drug, money, a location.. Anything
outside myself that I think might be the thing that’s finally going to make everything ‘O.K.’ The pursuit
of that ‘fix’ is what nearly killed me and it can manifest in recovery as well, even without the drugs
and alcohol.

11.When it came time to make amends to people, were you excited to get it out or nervous to
reach out to people you had wronged?

When I was new, the first step I noticed on the wall was #9 and I thought, “Oh no, I’m never going to
be able to do that!”. Fortunately the steps are in order so I didn’t have to make amends until I got to
that step. I did however try to make some amends before I got there and without my Sponsors
blessing- needless to say it didn’t go so well. The steps are a gentle slope, so even when I’m
apprehensive I’ve been able to move forward..

12.What is in the future for you and your music?

We just completed a beautiful clip for the song “Love Is..” which is due to drop on
10/15. I’m working on songs for another album as well as promoting “An Unwide
Road” The future looks musical!

Why Methadone Was Not An Option… For Me

Nov 29, 2013

Turkey (Photo credit: wattpublishing)

I started drinking at an early age.  It became a way for me to stomach myself each time I looked in the mirror or engaged with other humans.  I never thought it would come full circle and the thing that gave me ‘people power’ would take that power away along with any perceived power over every other person, place or thing in my life.

Getting clean and sober was not an easy task for me by any stretch of the imagination (is it easy for any of us?).  I made a decision to go cold turkey.  I locked myself in my basement apartment for roughly a week only going outside to walk down to the Walgreen’s to get cigarettes (I also drank gallons of water).  I was dizzy, sweating, cold, hot, felt nauseous, had wicked stomach knots and the shakes just to name a few symptoms of opiate withdrawal.  I became a skeletal recluse for those seven or so days and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

Now, I’m not saying going ‘cold turkey’ is the best way – and I didn’t go cold turkey – but for some, it is the best way.  I weaned myself until there was nothing left but me, my coffee cup and lots of cigarette butts.  I pretty much glued my ass to this chair in said basement and just eked it out.  It was fucking hell, lemme tell ya.  I mean, at the height of my addiction, I was consuming about 1000 mg of Percocet a day along with one or two Fentanyl pops and not to mention all the 80 mg Oxy’s I was crushing and snorting.  Yeah, I probably should have been dead a few times.

I read so many horror stories about people who use methadone or Suboxone to wean off opiates.  It makes no sense to me as an addict.  Seriously.  Why would I want to stop using one drug only to become addicted to another?  It made zero sense to me.  I did go to an outpatient center, they asked me how long I was off pills and I told them.  Now, I was off for about a week or so when I called this place.  They actually suggested these two drugs to me.  I was like, “NO EFFING WAY.” I didn’t go through hell in my basement for that time only to revisit a different level of hell.  Thanks, but no thanks.

I belong to a few groups on Facebook centered around recovery and hope.  This is where social media is truly awesome.  We get to share ideas, thoughts and a lot of memes.  I have been reading about methadone and Suboxone use in opiate withdrawal.  It seems like a double-edged sword.  On one hand, an addict is getting off the hard shit or fist fulls of pills.  On the other hand, they are creating a brand new addiction that is equally gruesome.

I read a lot of statements that go something like, “I have been clean for three months, well, really two days because I was on Suboxone all that time.  I feel like crap and I want to use.” Seriously?!

Please understand… I judge no one.  I am no better than anyone, period.  I just don’t understand.  So I guess in a sense, I am asking: if anyone using either of these for opiate withdrawal or using something else for opiate withdrawal could explain to me why this is a choice, that would be great.

Yes, the basement was hell.  I may even write about it one day in a memoir because I feel like people should know how fucking awful opiate withdrawal really is.

Looking back, I am glad I did it that way.  I may not have survived if I became addicted to something else.

Things That Are Fun (While Sober)!

Nov 7, 2013

Picnic (Photo credit: Carlos López Molina)

When I first got sober it was in late May of 2006.  I immediately found some meetings to go to and when a person goes to meetings, they find out about picnics.  My first thought was, “How the hell does a person go to a picnic and not drink?”

Turns out, there are a lot of ways to have fun that do not involve drinking or drugs. Here are some of the ways I have had tons of fun all while being sober:

• going to a meeting
• walking in the woods
• walking on a main strip in a small town
• going for a long drive (like… really long)
• drawing
• writing
• listening to music
• shooting pool at a pool hall (not a bar!)
• cooking
• exercising
• making a craft
• cleaning
• napping
• going to a book store
• going to the library
• going down to the river
• antique shopping (or browsing)
• going to lunch with a friend
• going to lunch alone
• starting a scrap-book
• journaling (I wish I would have documented my first year of sobriety)
• and yes…. sober picnics!

These are just a few of the things that I had (and still have) a ton of fun doing while trekking through sobriety.  Do you have any to add?  Please share!

Related articles

• Three Months Sober, Feeling Hopeful (sobermommies.com)
• The darkest hour is just before dawn (myjekyllandhyde.wordpress.com)

Being Me…

Oct 29, 2013

Dance Floor (Photo credit: enric archivell)

Okay, so I’m an alcoholic.  I was probably born one, but didn’t catch on until my late twenties.  Further, I didn’t do anything about it until my early thirties. I tripped, stumbled, blacked out… did all the crazy things that alcoholics do and then some.

The one thing that got me tripped up all my life was… me.  I am so damn hard on myself!  I can go down my list of “nots” and really spiral into a dark, lifeless hole.

I am not pretty enough; smart enough; talented enough; GOOD enough. It seeps in like a cool November breeze and before I know it I am sitting there shivering with rage.  I cry, curse at myself. Hell, when I was a teenager, I even used to hit myself if you can imagine that one.  I just hated myself so much.  I hated me, I hated my mother for giving birth to me and I hated God for allowing my birth.  Surely, it was a mistake.  Why on Earth would He put someone as pathetic and ugly as me on the planet?

Yeah, ugly.  I suffered with my self-image for a long time and still do… sometimes.  I was picked on all through school as a child and then a pre-teen and a teenager.  I was even made fun of as an adult. I resorted to violence to fend off the teasing when I was younger.  When I was older, I just drank more.  Surely the alcohol would numb my self-loathing.

I guess I felt, “hey, if I can’t be pretty, I’ll be a brute.”  Even though I weighed maybe seventy pounds soaking wet when I was thirteen.  At five feet seven, that right there my friends is a ‘bean pole,’ as I was called.

There were much worse names.

I was picked on in junior high school because I didn’t “fill out” like all the other girls.  I was so flat chested, I didn’t even wear a bra.  One time, some boys were walking down the hallway behind my friend and me and they grabbed at our backs to snap our bra straps.  I found out later they did that to prove I didn’t have a bra on because I didn’t have breasts. They laughed their asses off that day.  I ran in the bathroom and cried.

I felt worthless.  I felt ashamed.  I felt soooo ugly.

So yeah, I became violent. I started getting in fights with other girls and I started beating up boys.  Beating up boys!  Not so much beating them into a bloody pulp, but I got the best of them for sure.

Now, you would think that after all these years, and all my years sober and all the step work I have done and all the resentments I have talked about with my sponsor and all the shit I have let go, that this would be the big one I wanted to let go, because, after all, who the hell wants to hold onto a big pile of shit?

I just don’t know how to let it the hell go!  I am so mad still (sometimes.) I am not mad all the time, but sometimes I just get mad.  Sometimes, I look in the mirror and still see that skinny, flat-chested girl who used to get picked on. The girl who boys didn’t like.  The girl who boys didn’t ask to go to dances and when she was at dances, they certainly didn’t want to dance with. The girl who never got put on the “list of girls.”

A lot of people say, “Darlene, get the hell over it.  That was a long time ago.  You’re beautiful!”

Yes, there are times that I feel beautiful. But there are other times, usually when I am watching television or I am on the beach or at a big concert or something, that I just get way lost in the hoopla of what is defined as beauty today.

For the record, I don’t watch much television and I rarely go to the beach. I listen to a lot of music, do a lot of writing and I do my readings everyday because a small part of me knows it is all in my head.  A small part of me sometimes sees something beautiful in me.

I never think of drinking over this.  Hell, I can’t remember the last time a drink entered my mind.  Thankfully, I have a lot of women in my life and a pretty good support system.  Thankfully, I have the rooms and the literature I read.

Thankfully, most times I recognize it is all in my head.

Hope – It Keeps Me Hanging On

Oct 5, 2013

Music guitar (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Not sure if you ever saw the movie “Shawshank Redemption,” but there is a great scene in that film regarding ‘hope.’  Tim Robbins’ character has it and Morgan Freeman’s character thinks he is hopelessly romancing hope because hope is a heart breaker.

Maybe it depends on the person when it comes to hope.  I used to feel disdain for hope.  Maybe it was because I grouped hope with wishing and praying when I was using and drinking.  Then again, the things I hoped for were things like not getting pulled over by the police while I was high or having twenty extra dollars in my pocket to finish getting my load on. Go figure.

These days ‘hope’ is very different for me.  I do hope for material things like hitting the lottery or waking up one day with big boobs, but I know these things aren’t going to happen, so I am acting the child when it comes to hoping, praying and wishing for things.

I need to redirect my hope to attainable things that are not materialistic.  I write music reviews for three different websites.  At this moment, I am not paid for this, but that’s okay.  I love what I do.  I hope to one day get paid to write about music, but until then I will work my day job and write about music in the evening.

I hope to one day have a flourishing career in the music/writing industry.

Hope is amazing.

Truth & Lies

Aug 31, 2013

Leopard-Optical-Illusion (Photo credit: The Foo Fighter)

I think too much, and while that usually is a bad thing… today, I was thinking about how when I was active in my addiction and even shortly after I had got clean and sober, I always had this immediacy to lie.  I lied about everything.  I lied even when I did not have to lie!

My disclaimer is this:  In 1996, I suffered a stroke that led to me having a permanent brain injury.  So sometimes, I do not remember things or sometimes I blur fiction with reality. This usually happens if people ask me leading questions.  Instead of asking me:

“Did you give the cassette tape back to Rick?” (involves a yes or no answer)  You might ask me, “What did Rick say when you gave him back the cassette tape?” A question like this leaves me in a state of panic; because I do not remember giving Rick back the cassette tape.

So I start to think hard: Did I give it back?  I remember talking to him about the cassette tape, I remember having the cassette tape when I was in the store, but I do not concretely remember giving it back to Rick.  But, I must have… Why else would someone ask me what he said when I gave it back if I did not give it back?

My defense mechanism kicks in to make me not feel like a total ass and my brain misremembers me giving back the cassette tape.  After all, I was in the store with the cassette tape in my hand and I had just talked to Rick.  But my defense mechanism is wrong, therefore, I still look like an ass.

I am still working on it after 17 years.

When I was full-blown in my addiction, I was also a full-blown liar.  Since I was a liar, I trusted NO ONE.  The logic is simple.  I was dishonest, self-seeking and seedy.  Why would I think others were anything different?  I could not be trusted and therefore, did not trust.

I used the two age-old methods:  being defensive and flipping the situation. Because, honestly, neither one of these requires remembering anything.

Not a damn thing did I have to talk about to get myself out of hot water.  All I had to do was ask things like:

“What do you think?” “Is that what you think of me?”

Or… throw someone else’s garbage up in their face.

It is mean and it is wrong.  Bottom freaking line.  Here is what dishonest people may not understand… it affects YOU and OTHERS.  Being dishonest chips away at the psyche like a beaver gnaws at a tree.  This is especially true for this alcoholic.

Today I am honest at all costs.  I even have a hard time with myself if I call out of work ‘Sick’ if I am not sick enough by my standards to call out of work.  I feel guilty all day long. Not fun!

What are your terms when it comes to honesty?  Are you honest at all costs?