I am editing my WIP and thought, hey! It’s Sunday. Why don’t I share with my readers a random, six sentence snippet of what I am currently editing.
So here goes: The scene is when Spitz is going to confront Celeste about the money she owes him. Spitz is on his way down to a motel in Philadelphia.
Spitz could just never figure out what the hell the problem was with everyone. He thought everyone saw in black and white. It was kind of like the kid who thinks all his friends have one parent at home until he goes over his friend’s house and then more friends’ houses and sees that all of their houses have a mom and a dad. His house turns out to be the fucked up one. His house turns out to be the black and white house. His friends’ houses are fine. His friends’ houses are raging in two hundred fifty six color bit schemes while his house is struggling in black and white.
Darlene Steelman McGarrity 
I like the scene you immediately invoke. BUT you have a lot of flippy-floppy tenses. Past tense to present tense. That is an odd POV problem for me. Can it all be in past tense? Or is the novel in present tense? Something is wonky there. And this from the girl who is working on her WIP. So you know this comes from a place of love, right?
yes, i know,,, this is from my draft I am working on. I have been through it one whole time and am now on my second go around. I came across this scene and just wanted to share it because I really like that this scene made this character look human, when he is really just a dealer/pimp/scumbag.
I don’t like things in present tense, I find it difficult to write. So I will go back and fix this!!!!!!
Thank you Renée… you da bees knees!
That excerpt is so descriptive – great use of extended metaphor.
Thanks, glad you liked it. This novel is pretty sick.. I can’t wait ’til it is finished!
Cool. You’ve painted quite a picture there. Love the deep POV.
Thanks, Joanna!
You’re welcome. Enjoy your day!
I really like your use of metaphor to set the tone!
Thanks, Susie!
The lovely, soft clouds distracted her, whispering with sweet, white breath. If she stayed on the ground, she would remain frozen. If she floated away, she would be back amongst the clouds turning cartwheels in space.
Her feet left the ground. All about her, dark blue light sparked into being and flitted here and there in chaotic abandonment.Gaining momentum, she travelled towards a swirling vortex that sucked her into itself… (From Orange Petals in a Storm)
Great six Darlene…could really feel that emotion!
Thanks, Christine! 🙂
Very nicely done!
Thank you, William!